Why I Stopped Blogging For A While And My Life Restart For 2021

 Besides how crazy last semester was and the current pandemic of things, I honestly didn't want to try anymore. I had created too many walls to even start. I spent majority of my time rediscovering myself. I missed who I was before this pandemic started. One setback I wanted to let people know about was that this was my first time not going home for Christmas and spending the holidays alone in my college dorm room. The rest of this post will elaborate on the events that took place.

I felt like I became Batman. Stuck in my hole without anyone. I turned to anime specifically very dark anime. I stopped majority of my habits I had developed last school year including blogging or making Youtube videos. I stuck mainly with working on my art drawings that I had created the past school year. I slept late and ate junk food especially McDonalds. At one point, I felt like I had essentially fallen into a rut. However, this was only the hard parts of the story.

I saw myself grow. Social media specifically Instagram and Twitter began eating up majority of my time. I soon realized that this was complete garbage and tossed it aside. I threw out majority of these blog post drafts I never started. I realized that when it comes to blogging, majority of posts or even my best works have been more spur of the moment writing. I had created a barrier to my writing by creating numerous blog post ideas I would never fulfill because I should have wrote them the day I thought of them.

To make the last few days of 2020 even more dramatic, my family were on opposite ends with me on the election. A volcano eruption had occurred in my region, luckily I remained safe. Finally this climaxed when the girl I had a crush on went on vacation with another man and turned out to be dating. If you've read some of my previous posts, I've had a big crush on this girl for quite some time now and seeing her with another man broke my heart to pieces. I told myself whatever but my body collapse to the floor. I couldn't move. In confusion, I began crying and began cursing at the air at everything. I know what your thinking, man 2020 really destroyed you didn't it and you must be a "simp." Well, I must be honest, you are right. 

With no human interaction, watching anime over Zoom with my sister, and watching the 2021 fireworks outside my balcony for the first time. I knew a moment like this would never happen again. I realized at this point I have reached probably the most important time of my life. It took until the end of 2020 for me to finally realize that I need to say no to more things. I realized a lot of my pains and failures were due to the fact that I was holding on to people and memories that no longer held a place in my life. I was fighting for the expectations of people who no longer were present physically. I had worked so hard in school to please people who I would never see again. This realization made it all seem futile. My fears, my worries, my efforts. Once again, I was reminded I needed to change or I would keep repeating the same mistakes I've been making my entire life.

Looking forward, 2021, at the end of 2020 I've been routinely training my hobbies specifically art and dance. I started taking more online dance classes and sleeping more. I left my personal media and created a new one where I took on a new face and identity. No one would find me and I wouldn't care. I realized I needed to escape myself at the end of the year. Here I am accounting of my escape and the reason for it.

January finally rolled around. My classes started back up and my college roommates came back for our last year together. At the end of 2020, I had the longest hair I've ever had in my life so having a new haircut made me feel like a different man. I needed to pickup reading emails again because I had grown indifferent. I fought a porn addiction close to the end of 2020 but I finally set up working systems that help me stay accountable. I realized my time is way too precious to be indulging in porn or the lives of people I honestly don't know or see anymore on Instagram. I realized in this day and age of everything being online we don't need to stick with talking to the same people. We can expand our reach and make new friends. We can be someone else online. It's like a video game. In real life, I plan on reforming myself in darkness. No one will see my growth but it will happen eventually. Similar to Batman, I fell and matured in darkness. My heart is stronger, my mind is wise, I'm not the same person I was in 2020.

Why am I blogging again?

I realized this blog has a bit of a therapeutic effect on me. I enjoy it. As I've dived deeper into the areas of arts, I've realized having mediums is part of our brand and art form so that's what I hope to establish through this blog. These will be spurs of the moment writing and may eventually turn into sort of another journal in my life but public. I will still do informal post but life entries such as this I hope to do more often to share my growth with others and also train my writing abilities and storytelling. I realized blogging last year helped me write an essay that won me a scholarship and even got me through my Storytelling In Healing class last semester. Blogging in all of its senses is a beneficial skill I recommend to anyone wanting to train their physical/mental dexterity or to flat out vent at the air such as this.

I wish you all the best in 2021 and wish you make the change that leads you to success and fulfillment this year. Keep going!